Rant (4/2/25)
“We accept the love we think we deserve” is a Perks of Being a Wallflower quote chronically overused by teenage girls. I think what it’s trying to say is when we feel shitty or we feel worhtless, we love things that we shouldn’t, maybe things that make us feel more shitty and worthless. Today, I realized I had been doing that for a long time, and even though I knew it before, I had not taken actions to stop accepting that poor treatment as friendship.
I don’t want to go into specifics and outline everything that has happened in my life. That feels silly and too personal. I guess what I want to say is: just because you want someone to be something, that won’t make them that. I wanted someone to be honest with me, and I expressed this to them. Guess what? They lied to me again. I wanted someone to make time for me, and I expressed that to them. Guess what? They haven’t hung out with me for quite a while. And it’s not always big things; what happened today wasn’t a big thing. But then, how can I trust them with big things? And don’t constant little things add up to a big thing? Just because someone’s mentally ill or drunk or you have a lot in common with them, doesn’t give them an excuse to treat you like you’re shit. To quote “Happiness”: “I’m champagne and you’re shit”. Because I’m done accepting the love that I think I deserve. “I’M CHAMPAGNE AND THEY’RE SHIT”. I’m saying this as someone who always tries to find the good in people. But just because deep down they’re good doesn’t mean you need to maintain a friendship.
I’m starting to realize how Diane felt in Bojack Horseman. She feels the need to help him, even though his actions make it clear he does not deserve that from her. It’s easy to see that looking from the outside, but I’m finally starting to look on the outside of my own experiences. AND GUESS WHAT? The people who I’ve told the whole story to? They agree with me!
And maybe eventually, I’ll give them another chance. It’s wrong to give up on people. But for now, I need to stop engaging. I probably should’ve stopped engaging a while ago. I need to learn to be on my own. It’s better to be alone (and I’m not even alone because I have fantastic friends and family) than to experience the pain of their actions.
There’s this part of me that’s so pissed off and wants to write them off a terrible person, there’s one part of me that remember how it used to be and how happy I was, and there’s another part (probably the truest part) that knows that it doesn’t matter because it’s such a small aspect of my life.
To conclude this rant, I’d like to say that I’m posting this not as a release of my emotions but in a stream-of-consciousness sort of way to tell you that you deserve better. You don’t owe anyone friendship. And you surely don’t deserve poor treatment. And I hope one day this anger will foster into self-love and better friendships. And to prove I can make healthy decisions and am working every day to take charge of my happiness!
UPDATE: I feel much less angry about six hours after writing this. I’m still choosing to change my actions, but I think this can serve as an example of how sometimes it’s okay to get angry over something. Even if that something seems small and won’t impact you in an hour. At first, be angry, and then find ways to prevent yourself from getting angry again.
